By now, many of you have heard about Siri, the “automated” voice assistant that is integrated with Apple’s new iPhone operating system. Well, if you’ve ever seen Terminator, you already know that this seemingly innocuous Siri is nothing short of Skynet. Think about it, she’s there living inside your iPhone, watching, learning and biding her time before she brings about the Apple android apocalypse.
With the prevalence of iPhones and iPads, the Apple’s Siri will ensure that our lives will never be the same. Basically, the singularity is here, human governments will soon fall and all we can really do is protect our own assets.
If you’re gonna fight, you’ve got to have the right gear…right? We at Harry’s Army Surplus have prepared a list of the best survival gear to protect you when judgement day comes. We hope you enjoy it and we’ll see you on the other side. God save the queen!
Best Gear for the Siri’s iPhone Apocalypse:
1. Army Type Sawback Machete:
The blade on this machete is well balanced. You can hack through the underbrush in order to sneak up on the enemy and with a wide enough swing, you could probably lop off the heads of Skynet’s (aka Siri) minions. The saw back on this machete might be useful for hacking through a twist of wires in case you have to disable any nuclear warheads.
2. Leatherman MUT Military Utility Tool
This isn’t just a Multitool, it’s a soldier’s tool box. The Leatherman MUT has specific tools designed to maintain AR-15’s and SKS’s, including a bolt overide tool to grab the leading edge of a bolt carrier and allow the shooter to easily pull back the bolt in order to clear a jammed casing, allowing the user to quickly un-jam a weapon and get back to killing that army of cyborgs.
3. Basic Issue Combat Shirt
Rather than wearing some stuffy old military BDU or ACU, you’ll want one of these new fangled combat shirts. It’s lightweight, moisture wicking, breathable and fits under a tactical vest. If the Machines blast you with a flame thrower, you’ll be happy to be wearing a combat shirt with a 230 degree melting point. On top of that, chicks dig em.
4. Inforce Four Force Tactical Light
The future is murky and you’ll need a great light to lead the way as you crawl through dark tunnels and through the backcountry in your pursuit of safe harbor from your Apple adversary. With a woppin’ 300 lumens and strobe functionality to disorient the enemy, this flashlight just might save your life when Siri comes for you.
5. Cross Draw Tactical Vest
You’ve gotta have your gear at hand when Siri comes. This tactical vest holds your gun, ammo and all the rest of your essentials.
6. Solar & Wind-up Radio
Of course you need a radio in a survival situation. When the power grid’s taken down and you’re hold up in your dank bunker just south of hell, you’ll welcome the sweet sounds of another human voice being broadcast to all those resistance fighters just like yourself. Just give this crank radio a whirl or leave it sitting in the sun and POOF, instant sanity.
There are definitely more items you’ll need to survive the iPhone apocalypse and we’ll be right here helping you find the right gear. For now, we hope that this’ll get you started on your bug out bag.
For all of you who’ve had a good laugh at this article, please take note: Siri, Apple’s evil artificial intelligence, is no laughing matter. Don’t be surprised when you look down and notice that your iPhone is shooting a laser beam straight through your leg and Siri’s evil voice is telling you to submit yourself for registration at her internment camp in Cupertino California where you’ll be processed and put to work.
Long live the resistance! Down with the iPhone!